Spring has me in a reflective mood, and I've thought about why I started this blog in the first place.
When I started this blog, I was particularly interested in alternative fashions because I loved the idea of fashion being a form of expression and a big statement. I especially loved the DIY aspect of Japanese street trends, either reconstructing old to new or from new materials. I also enjoyed watching the trends but I liked the idea of creating your own image more. It was almost like a rebellion on what was conventional: I choose exactly how I look, rather than being told how I should look.
Nevertheless, I was plagued with thoughts of how I should look, and a lot of it was what I saw on TV, magazines and on the internet. You may have noticed that I rarely posted outfits, and I had to muster up the courage to post up anything I had. I never liked my body, but I think over the years, I've grown comfortable with it being my own. Ever since I could remember, I was repulsed by my stomach and it's still an area of my body I don't like the look of.
This is not an eating disorder story, because I have never reached that stage with my disorderly eating or negative loop of thoughts. I think a lot of us have experienced dissatisfaction with our own bodies at one point in our lives. Even when I was at my "best weight", I felt miserable because I did not have the right intentions of making such changes. I wanted to lose weight so I could be skinny and that would somehow bring me success in all areas of my life.
At this stage of my life, I know I'm not at a healthy body weight and to reduce my risks of developing disease, I should make changes. The strange thing is that I'm more comfortable with my body as an adult than as a teenager. Perhaps it's because with the rapidly changing body and the hormones, it's was so foreign. I wondered why I had even spent all that time beating myself up for not having the body I wanted. I wondered why I had valued my appearance over the qualities that makes a woman beautiful, such as her intelligence, her compassion and kindness. That's not to say I don't have bad days: I look at myself in the mirror or in a photo and think I look terrible sometimes, but health is the priority and not the unrealistic goal to achieving the perfect body and thereby achieving success in everything.
I suppose to all the girls out there who hate how they look: you are not alone and you are more than your looks.
As for what will come of the blog? I write as a form of self-healing and expression. I write when I'm excited about something or I want to get things off my chest. I write like I breathe. It's life. I'll be around when I feel the need to be.
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